TGIF

It's Friday and the office is closed for one day--in compensation for the biggest Cambodian holiday: the Water Festival. The holiday actually lasts for about three days, and there are a bunch of organized teams who will boat-race each other. I'm excited, but we have to work during the days when the races actually occur. It kind of sucks, because it's the only chance I'll get to see it, and I won't see it. Oh well.

To follow up on my previous post, I was definitely stressed and unhappy when I came back from Vietnam. I'm not sure if I have moved out of that state yet, either. However, I have realized that it's my unhappiness with being overworked and not willing to work more than my designated hours anymore. I'm tired, but I guess any kind of work really calls for working more hours than you are paid for. After all, the pay was never the reason why I came here. It was the work itself. Am I regretting coming here, then?

The main reason why I've been so unhappy though is because of the girls and their actions. While they can be very cute, they can also be very rude in their ways and discriminatory towards each other. Moreover, cliques are very apparent. I guess this is "natural," but I see it more as social, and hence, things can be changed. How much we, as office staff, should be involved in their lives though is hard to determine. Plus, is our purpose to actually CONTROL them and their lives? Who the hell are we to do that. No one.

Last month, after an intensive nail training, the girls in the nail program decided to take off for a day to drink and party at a baby shower after they asked each staff if they could do so. We told them no. If one person says no, they should have respected that answer. We expect them to be at school in the mornings and doing their practicums in the afternoons, and they knew that. Anyway, we had a big meeting the next day. They didn't seem to regret their actions too much.

Yesterday, we sat in a circle to talk about "reputation" for our Soft Skills Class. Anh did a really good job, as always when facilitating that class, and came up with the idea of asking the girls to write about a time when their reputation to another was damaged, and the reasons why. The point was to get them to remember why that had occurred and to see how they can gain trust from others again. All the girls who disappointed us in September actually wrote about that very incident, and they cried. It really surprised me that it was so intense, because I never knew how they felt about us and the program, AND themselves after the big meeting. I'm glad they took us seriously. It shows the amount of respect they have for us.

I'm still not ready to go back to the kind of relationship I had with the girls before the incident though. It really affected how I have come to see anti-sex-trafficking and community work, and it has definitely scarred me.

Anyway, my optimism is still alive though.

Warning: I am feeling HELLA grumpy

I'm coloring right now, and I realized the more I colored, the harder my strokes were. The thought of having to see our students this morning makes me cringe. Literally, there is no time to do any administrative work, which means I have to do it on weekends. I have also been stressed out about putting 12 (or more) additional formal working hours onto my schedule once the shop opens. I'm not really a happy camper right now.

I thought that a week in Vietnam with my family would make me come back and welcome the girls/young women back into my life. Near the end of my trip though, I REALLY didn't want to return. I felt nothing, except a little despair, when my plane landed at the Siem Reap airport.

To a certain extent, I feel like I walked into a trap. I shouldn't see it that way, but I DO.

I haven't gotten good sleep since I've been here either, and I'm starting to really feel the effects. Before, not having enough sleep was fine, because I enjoyed my work. Now, it's different, and this is why I've always been against people calling me an activist, because I never said I wanted to devote my whole life to community work.

Really...

I don't care about my grammar if I am being real with you. The sole reason is because I never really grew up speaking grammatically correct. And, this has been and will be played out in my blog posts.

Time to go home, because the dam rain is coming.

Vietnam Trip

I've been back in Siem Reap for two days now. Vietnam was good in many ways. I've changed. People there have changed. Vietnam has changed. Just take a look at this article even: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/world/asia/20golf.html?_r=1&hp.

My parents are from a very small town in the province, so basically, everyone is a relative of mine in some way. I went back and forth between my paternal family and maternal family. For the first time, I understood the amount of love that my extended family has for me--just because we are blood. They definitely don't know exactly who I am, as I've only seen them about 5 times in my life, but it's very reassuring to know that you will always have people to turn to for any and every reason. Appreciating family is something that had to be learned, and I am immensely happy that I did.

I've never really spoken to my second uncle-in-law on my mom side, but for some reason, we bonded a lot last week. He told me to come over and help him cook for fun, as in he'd give me a cooking lesson. Honestly, I was not too excited, but since he's a pretty intimidating person, I excitedly said, "OK!"

During our cooking session, I learned a lot about why he's such a good public school teacher and why he's such a humble person. He also asked me if I'd extend my stay in Cambodia after June 2010. I told him no, because this type of work really depresses your psyche. For the first time, I think I expressed how this work has affected me in a direct one. It's depressing, but of course I still have optimism--optimism for a cultural shift.

I don't think I've ever realized how deeply the sex industry affects the psyche of a individual who works as commercial sex worker. It can be to the point where someone turns down an opportunity that pertains to their life goal, because of a conflict in morality. How can change happen then?

Khmai Massage

It's been such a beautiful day--minus a morning conversation that I had, but I guess a lot of things were talked about that needed to be out there. Debra and I are going to get a Khmai massage in 5 minutes. People say I don't like to be touched. Sometimes that's true, but I love getting massages. It's like being in heaven to me.

Today was stressful, so I'm looking forward to drinks tonight. I really want a red wine sangria. YES.

I also like staff meetings a lot. I feel organized when we have one. We had one today. =)

I've been getting a lot of updates from friends. It's nice to know what the hell is going on with them back in the States

I've Finally Figured It Out

I never really questioned why I am here. I walked into this project knowing that ultimately, the organization wants me to create a profitable business--keep in mind that I have no business background, and because my transition from graduating college to flying out of the country was a rush, I never took the time to really think about my ultimate goal for engaging in this work.

One of the hardest things that I've had to deal with while being here is other people's expectations of "my project." The same people who created the project has downsized it in many ways. However, I do have the support of some staff members, and even though I know that it will be hard, I am determined to make the business work--through teamwork. We have a good team here, and we are confident in our students' abilities.

On the other hand, I wholeheartedly believe that VOICE has instilled in students and staff the idea that what is impossible is possible. Our role is and has been to re-create the image of reality: life is more than what it seems to offer, as long as opportunities and resources are there, and we are the resource.

There's a good reason why the VOICE team pour their hearts into their work.

3 Things

I have to blog about the following, because I may forget the details in the future.

1. "Khỏi chị. Em tinh là em làm được."

We took our students on a field trip to a temple and a staff's farm. Little did we know, we'd be hiking a mountain too. Our students are city girls. They are used to hard labor, but not physical activities that work the muscles and cardio and lasts for a long time, so the majority of the girls struggled a bit. One particular student had a hard time the whole way. I, along with two others, guided her throughout most of the trail. I'd either pull her up or help walk her down. Near the end of the hike, though, I laid out my hand for her to grab, but felt nothing. I turned around to glance at her, and she said, "It's ok (older sister). I believe I can do it."


2. "Chị ấy là người. Mình cũng là người. Nếu chĩ làm được thì mình cũng làm được."

One of our staff members have been concerned about her ability to contribute to the organization. She tends to admire others before acknowledging her own strengths. After working for our organization for four months, she has finally gained the confidence to publicly speak out about her potential--potential to grow, potential as a woman, and potential to be a leader.


3. One of our students is very quiet. It is quite hard to get her to open up, and you can tell when she contemplates on whether or not she should say more. We wonder a lot about our work here, and hence, question its impact and effectiveness. Our own answers are sometimes "no." We were corrected, though. We were told by our particularly reserved student that what exists isn't always visible.


I guess the stories are really telling of why we are here. I know I definitely need to be reassured from time to time.

One Week Vacation Baby!

I have never been happier! I get a week of vacation (YEAY YEAY!), and because there's a promotion from Vietnam Airlines, the flight to Saigon was only $124! On my salary, $124 is a good deal man.

I've been needing this time for myself for a long time now, but because of so many things that come up, I have never really been away from work. To some people, the cause of this ordeal has been my own possessiveness over what I've been doing for the org., but in reality, I think it may have been necessary, which is why I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY I get to go away and visit family. My mom is also thinking about flying to Vietnam next week--mainly because I will be there. I LOVE HER!

Of course I'm excited to see my mom, but usually when I go to Vietnam, the people who I long to see and touch are: 1) my great paternal grandma, 2) my maternal grandpa, and 3) my paternal grandmother. The former two passed away within a week of each other two years ago, but all three have nevertheless taught me the importance of family. I miss them.

Anyway, I'M going to VIETNAM FOR A WHOLE WEEK, BABY!