Freedom

I interned in the Philippines as a case manager for a refugee-protection agency. One of my favorite clients was preparing to leave for Canada. As I sat in the taxi with him, after finalizing his documents at the Bureau of Immigration, he expressed his nervousness to me. He was a very wealthy man. He owned several businesses and made more than enough to send both his girls, aged under 10, to international schools. He lived more than comfortably in the Philippines. So I asked him, "Then why are you choosing to leave?"

My question was very naive, but I was really curious, because I could never understand the true experience of not having any political rights as a privileged American citizen. Many people are just numbers, but he was stateless, meaning he wasn't really even alive. Of course, he wanted to go to have political rights.

He did mention, though, that although his friends told him how great Canada is, he wasn't sure for himself, because he has never been there. Therefore, how would he know if life there is actually "better," and really, that experience and definition is subjective. He had to go though. He had to make it to his final destination.....

but how did he know that Canada is forever his final destination? Is freedom bounded by borders? I don't think so....

Honestly, I don't know how to write anymore, so I'm going to stop trying to.


Goodbye.

Familiarity...?

I am home and have been since Sunday night. My flight was unexpectedly short. I couldn't help but engulf myself in my experiences for the past 6 months while purchasing my plane ticket back home. I wasn't supposed to go home yet. I'm not sure if I wanted to go home yet. But yes, here I am now.

It feels like I have been gone for years, and everyone is different. Or maybe, I'm the one who has drastically changed?

I am really sad.

Man...

I have definitely been devastated and hurt by others, but I have never felt so torn inside like this. The shittiest part is that I know whatever I decide, I will have some sort of regret.

*I really miss June Lee right now.

Really, Mr.President?

From President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech:

“The United States of America has helped underwrite global security for more than six decades with the blood of our citizens and the strength of our arms.”

Please be honest with me. Was/is it always for global security or American security? That was a very American-centric (not even Eurocentric) statement that was made on America's behalf. Thanks.

My identity here:

*FYI: in Vietnam, you speak of the order that someone is in within the sibling hierarchy and then their first name when identifying people. There are also different terms for the maternal and paternal side.

Maternal:
-Ngoai: grandparent(s)
-Di: Aunt
-Cau: Uncle
-Mo: Aunt in-law

Paternal:
-Noi: grandparent(s)
-Co: Aunt
-Bac/Chu: Uncle
-Thiem: Aunt in-law


Here, this is how I introduce myself to people:

Chau = granddaughter/niece

1. Chau ngoai of Hai Nhat (2 Nhat) or chau noi of Chin Nghi (9 Nghi)
2. Chau of Ba Phi (3 Phi)
3. Chau Duong 6/Phuc sua xe (Uncle in-law 6 named Phuc who is a mechanic)
4. Con Tu Niem/Huynh Anh (daughter of 4 Niem or Huynh Anh)

Yup, I never introduce my name, because it doesn't matter.

The Past Few Days

This is what I've been doing here:

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Chase chickens out the house
4. Clean up chicken poo
5. Chase kittens out the front yard
6. Watch a ridiculous fight in front of the hospital, which is across the street, between a dumb ass man and a woman. FYI the woman won
7. Get ripped off when I go to the market and buy fruits
8. Watch my uncle and Fruit Loops fish. I just stood there with the bucket. Basically my uncle had spread a net across the lake and pulled the fishes out the net when they got caught. Then he threw them onto land. Fruit Loops fetched the fishes, lol, and then threw it into the bucket, which I held. IT WAS FUN!

I am quite surprised I haven't gotten many mosquito bites.
Going to eat AUTHENTIC bun nuoc leo tomorrow, although I should. WHATEVER!

Today's Ride

I met up with my little baby cousin, who is 17 years old, for dinner today. I took a moto-taxi to the place. I asked the driver to take me to Kem Bach Dang, which is an ice-cream parlor. In the middle of the ride, I told the driver that I didn't know if I would have a body to eat ice-cream with by the time I get to there, as in, the drive was so crazy, I literally thought I was going to DIE!

My cousin and I had a really good dinner. We went to Sushi Bar, which was a crowded place, so it was fun to people-watch. And, I learned a lot about my cousin. When the bill came, he wanted to pay, because he was "the man." Needless to say, my response was, "First of all, I am older than you, and secondly, DO YOU WANT ME TO SLAP YOU?!" The waiter came. I paid, but she asked me for another bill, because it was ripped. My cousin gave her his money instead. I pretty much stared her down and told her to give it back to him. She was really nice about it.

Then, my baby cousin insisted that I take the taxi home, instead of the moto-taxi, because I am a girl, and it's safer that way. And yes, I took his advice.

Conclusion: my baby cousin ain't no baby anymore!

Please

Meet me half way...

I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment on Bromley Avenue for 13 years of my life. Rocks thrown by neighbourhood kids had shattered our windows. Our front wall was covered with yoke stains. We had a huge yard for kids to play, but it was more empty than not. I learned later that the place I called home was located in the ghetto.
My parents finally had the courage to change, so we moved into a house on MacArthur Blvd. It is still their current residency, and it has always been an unfamiliar setting to me. I was given a room to share with my sister, and within the confines of that room, I was allowed to organize the space the way I wanted it to be. For the first time, I felt lost, because I had to create something rather than mold my habits into fitting a space that was already constructed.
As I left to Philadelphia for college, I was only “home” for December and January. Although summer afforded me time to become more familiarized with my parent’s place, I worked throughout the first two summers of my college. I don’t recall having the time to really become engrained in that setting. It was just a shelter for sleeping. My last summer was spent in Manila, and I literally had ten days in Oakland. During those ten days, I was frantically running around trying to become reacquainted with friends and family and getting ready to leave for school again.
Embarking outside of the United States and going to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand has really made me wonder what I actually consider a “home”. I have been in limbo for the past 3 weeks in Bangkok and was never sure of how I felt in the big villa past Wat Bo Road in Siem Reap. I’m not sure of what lies ahead either. The uncertainty is frustrating, but I guess that is life in general.
Home, though, is not a location to me anymore. Home is an atmosphere created by the people who make up a place. Because of that definition, I have also realized that home isn’t something that is constant. Oakland has changed. My family and friends have changed. I have changed. Home isn’t something tangible anymore. It is how I view and choose to interact with the people at my current being.
Although I am not with people who I have known for a long time, I feel at home. And, I am glad that I do, because right now, it’s exactly what I need.
Darwinism: adaptation & survival.

REP -> BKK.

I'm starting to feel myself again.

Man, November is going to be a lot busier for all of us than I expected. I'm a little worried....

TGIF

It's Friday and the office is closed for one day--in compensation for the biggest Cambodian holiday: the Water Festival. The holiday actually lasts for about three days, and there are a bunch of organized teams who will boat-race each other. I'm excited, but we have to work during the days when the races actually occur. It kind of sucks, because it's the only chance I'll get to see it, and I won't see it. Oh well.

To follow up on my previous post, I was definitely stressed and unhappy when I came back from Vietnam. I'm not sure if I have moved out of that state yet, either. However, I have realized that it's my unhappiness with being overworked and not willing to work more than my designated hours anymore. I'm tired, but I guess any kind of work really calls for working more hours than you are paid for. After all, the pay was never the reason why I came here. It was the work itself. Am I regretting coming here, then?

The main reason why I've been so unhappy though is because of the girls and their actions. While they can be very cute, they can also be very rude in their ways and discriminatory towards each other. Moreover, cliques are very apparent. I guess this is "natural," but I see it more as social, and hence, things can be changed. How much we, as office staff, should be involved in their lives though is hard to determine. Plus, is our purpose to actually CONTROL them and their lives? Who the hell are we to do that. No one.

Last month, after an intensive nail training, the girls in the nail program decided to take off for a day to drink and party at a baby shower after they asked each staff if they could do so. We told them no. If one person says no, they should have respected that answer. We expect them to be at school in the mornings and doing their practicums in the afternoons, and they knew that. Anyway, we had a big meeting the next day. They didn't seem to regret their actions too much.

Yesterday, we sat in a circle to talk about "reputation" for our Soft Skills Class. Anh did a really good job, as always when facilitating that class, and came up with the idea of asking the girls to write about a time when their reputation to another was damaged, and the reasons why. The point was to get them to remember why that had occurred and to see how they can gain trust from others again. All the girls who disappointed us in September actually wrote about that very incident, and they cried. It really surprised me that it was so intense, because I never knew how they felt about us and the program, AND themselves after the big meeting. I'm glad they took us seriously. It shows the amount of respect they have for us.

I'm still not ready to go back to the kind of relationship I had with the girls before the incident though. It really affected how I have come to see anti-sex-trafficking and community work, and it has definitely scarred me.

Anyway, my optimism is still alive though.

Warning: I am feeling HELLA grumpy

I'm coloring right now, and I realized the more I colored, the harder my strokes were. The thought of having to see our students this morning makes me cringe. Literally, there is no time to do any administrative work, which means I have to do it on weekends. I have also been stressed out about putting 12 (or more) additional formal working hours onto my schedule once the shop opens. I'm not really a happy camper right now.

I thought that a week in Vietnam with my family would make me come back and welcome the girls/young women back into my life. Near the end of my trip though, I REALLY didn't want to return. I felt nothing, except a little despair, when my plane landed at the Siem Reap airport.

To a certain extent, I feel like I walked into a trap. I shouldn't see it that way, but I DO.

I haven't gotten good sleep since I've been here either, and I'm starting to really feel the effects. Before, not having enough sleep was fine, because I enjoyed my work. Now, it's different, and this is why I've always been against people calling me an activist, because I never said I wanted to devote my whole life to community work.

Really...

I don't care about my grammar if I am being real with you. The sole reason is because I never really grew up speaking grammatically correct. And, this has been and will be played out in my blog posts.

Time to go home, because the dam rain is coming.

Vietnam Trip

I've been back in Siem Reap for two days now. Vietnam was good in many ways. I've changed. People there have changed. Vietnam has changed. Just take a look at this article even: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/world/asia/20golf.html?_r=1&hp.

My parents are from a very small town in the province, so basically, everyone is a relative of mine in some way. I went back and forth between my paternal family and maternal family. For the first time, I understood the amount of love that my extended family has for me--just because we are blood. They definitely don't know exactly who I am, as I've only seen them about 5 times in my life, but it's very reassuring to know that you will always have people to turn to for any and every reason. Appreciating family is something that had to be learned, and I am immensely happy that I did.

I've never really spoken to my second uncle-in-law on my mom side, but for some reason, we bonded a lot last week. He told me to come over and help him cook for fun, as in he'd give me a cooking lesson. Honestly, I was not too excited, but since he's a pretty intimidating person, I excitedly said, "OK!"

During our cooking session, I learned a lot about why he's such a good public school teacher and why he's such a humble person. He also asked me if I'd extend my stay in Cambodia after June 2010. I told him no, because this type of work really depresses your psyche. For the first time, I think I expressed how this work has affected me in a direct one. It's depressing, but of course I still have optimism--optimism for a cultural shift.

I don't think I've ever realized how deeply the sex industry affects the psyche of a individual who works as commercial sex worker. It can be to the point where someone turns down an opportunity that pertains to their life goal, because of a conflict in morality. How can change happen then?

Khmai Massage

It's been such a beautiful day--minus a morning conversation that I had, but I guess a lot of things were talked about that needed to be out there. Debra and I are going to get a Khmai massage in 5 minutes. People say I don't like to be touched. Sometimes that's true, but I love getting massages. It's like being in heaven to me.

Today was stressful, so I'm looking forward to drinks tonight. I really want a red wine sangria. YES.

I also like staff meetings a lot. I feel organized when we have one. We had one today. =)

I've been getting a lot of updates from friends. It's nice to know what the hell is going on with them back in the States

I've Finally Figured It Out

I never really questioned why I am here. I walked into this project knowing that ultimately, the organization wants me to create a profitable business--keep in mind that I have no business background, and because my transition from graduating college to flying out of the country was a rush, I never took the time to really think about my ultimate goal for engaging in this work.

One of the hardest things that I've had to deal with while being here is other people's expectations of "my project." The same people who created the project has downsized it in many ways. However, I do have the support of some staff members, and even though I know that it will be hard, I am determined to make the business work--through teamwork. We have a good team here, and we are confident in our students' abilities.

On the other hand, I wholeheartedly believe that VOICE has instilled in students and staff the idea that what is impossible is possible. Our role is and has been to re-create the image of reality: life is more than what it seems to offer, as long as opportunities and resources are there, and we are the resource.

There's a good reason why the VOICE team pour their hearts into their work.

3 Things

I have to blog about the following, because I may forget the details in the future.

1. "Khỏi chị. Em tinh là em làm được."

We took our students on a field trip to a temple and a staff's farm. Little did we know, we'd be hiking a mountain too. Our students are city girls. They are used to hard labor, but not physical activities that work the muscles and cardio and lasts for a long time, so the majority of the girls struggled a bit. One particular student had a hard time the whole way. I, along with two others, guided her throughout most of the trail. I'd either pull her up or help walk her down. Near the end of the hike, though, I laid out my hand for her to grab, but felt nothing. I turned around to glance at her, and she said, "It's ok (older sister). I believe I can do it."


2. "Chị ấy là người. Mình cũng là người. Nếu chĩ làm được thì mình cũng làm được."

One of our staff members have been concerned about her ability to contribute to the organization. She tends to admire others before acknowledging her own strengths. After working for our organization for four months, she has finally gained the confidence to publicly speak out about her potential--potential to grow, potential as a woman, and potential to be a leader.


3. One of our students is very quiet. It is quite hard to get her to open up, and you can tell when she contemplates on whether or not she should say more. We wonder a lot about our work here, and hence, question its impact and effectiveness. Our own answers are sometimes "no." We were corrected, though. We were told by our particularly reserved student that what exists isn't always visible.


I guess the stories are really telling of why we are here. I know I definitely need to be reassured from time to time.

One Week Vacation Baby!

I have never been happier! I get a week of vacation (YEAY YEAY!), and because there's a promotion from Vietnam Airlines, the flight to Saigon was only $124! On my salary, $124 is a good deal man.

I've been needing this time for myself for a long time now, but because of so many things that come up, I have never really been away from work. To some people, the cause of this ordeal has been my own possessiveness over what I've been doing for the org., but in reality, I think it may have been necessary, which is why I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY I get to go away and visit family. My mom is also thinking about flying to Vietnam next week--mainly because I will be there. I LOVE HER!

Of course I'm excited to see my mom, but usually when I go to Vietnam, the people who I long to see and touch are: 1) my great paternal grandma, 2) my maternal grandpa, and 3) my paternal grandmother. The former two passed away within a week of each other two years ago, but all three have nevertheless taught me the importance of family. I miss them.

Anyway, I'M going to VIETNAM FOR A WHOLE WEEK, BABY!

Paying the Electricity Bill

Our office manager left for Vietnam, so I took care of her responsibilities temporarily while she was gone, including paying the electricity bill. The place to pay the bill is supposedly far, but not really if you think about how small Siem Reap is; it's on the way to the airport. Once you get there, you're pretty much going through a herd of people who are patiently waiting to pay their bill through an ineffective system. Everyone throws their bill and payment to the person who works at the counter, and then waits for him/her to input their names into the computer after counting their money. Then, they collect their receipt and go.

So somehow I made my way to the front of the window, seeing that it was important to do so, since I didn't speak Khmer, nor did I know what the fuck happened to my bill. Someone had snatched it and threw it to the front of the crowd. Not to mention, this was 7:30am in the morning, which was when the office opened--meaning people were rushing like crazy! After waiting for about an hour, my bill was finally acknowledged. When the counter-woman found my money, she asked whose was it and literally threw it back to me when I answered her. She proceeded to the next customer. I pretty much stared her down until she took back my money. Apparently, I didn't put my money together in an orderly fashion, as in the bills weren't in the same directional orientation.

Was I pissed? Yes. Did I understand why she was pissed? Yes. Will I change my way next time? Probably.

Even though I got what I wanted by staring the woman down, I was a being a bitch by engaging in that act. My excuse? She was a bitch to me first! In all honesty though, I felt like I was going to win her out anyway, because I was a foreigner who spoke English. Basically, she had better cater to my needs, because I was (somehow) more important than her in this universe--even though I was in a country where she is the native and I am the outsider. Talk about being an elitist.

I couldn't help but to think about Siem Reap while walking back to the moto to go to work. Siem Reap's local economy is based on tourism/foreigners/expats. It's a highly attractive city for many reasons, but mostly because of its proximity to Angkor Wat. Hence, the more tourists/foreigners/expats are here, the better. However, that also means that English, pretty much the universal language now, is required or highly wanted of employees, i.e. jobs for locals are based on their ability to cater towards outsiders' needs. This also means that those who are well-educated are the ones who will get chosen over those who aren't, because English is becoming more and more incorporated into the educational curriculum. Getting an education, lastly, is reserved for those who can afford it. In result, the poor remains poor if not poorer, and globalization, as you can see, has already occurred. How feasible is this type of economy for the natives then?

And really, how much of my mentality feeds this economy that I am starting to become so curious about?

Hehe...New Blog!

This is a much easier blog to utilize, so this is my new blogspot.

I gave up on blogging about a month and a half into my stay here. I didn't have the energy to really reflect on all the things that were happening anymore (summer camp, renovations, miscellaneous staff responsibilities, team dynamics, brothel busts, recruitment, and interacting with a whole different type of community), let alone write.

I've been pretty overwhelmed, and I've been wanting a smoke. But...writing has always been a more productive way to de-stress myself, so here we go again.